OVERCOMING THE PERFECTIONIST
THAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK
WRITTEN BY: CRYSTAL ST. JOHN | JULY 13, 2022
STRIVING FOR PERFECTION SOUNDS LIKE AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY, RIGHT?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SEEN A SCENARIO LIKE THIS PLAY OUT?
YOU SHOW UP AT A JOB INTERVIEW, AND THE FIRST QUESTION THEY ASK IS: “TELL ME, WHY SHOULD I HIRE YOU?”
CONFIDENTLY YOU RESPOND, “WELL, I’M A PERFECTIONIST. I LIKE TO MAKE SURE THINGS ARE DONE RIGHT.”
BUT WE KNOW DEEP DOWN, WHAT YOU’RE REALLY SAYING IS: “I’M A CONTROL FREAK, IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO GET THINGS DONE, AND, I TAKE MY WORK PERSONALLY, SO I DON’T LIKE TO TAKE RISKS.”
OKAY, MAYBE THIS SOUNDS A BIT DRAMATIC. BUT, MAYBE NOT.
THERE IS A LOT OF TRUTH HERE.
BEING A PERFECTIONIST SHOWS THAT YOU CARE. YOU NOTICE DETAILS AND THEY MATTER. THAT SOUNDS GOOD, RIGHT? PROBLEM IS, THIS CAN GO TO THE EXTENT OF PLAYING OUT A GAME OF “CAUSE AND EFFECT” IN YOUR HEAD ALL DAY LONG, ATTEMPTING TO MEASURE THE REPERCUSSIONS TO EVERY POSSIBLE DECISION YOU COULD MAKE, PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON... EVERYTHING!
IT’S DRAINING. IT’S PARALYZING.
SO WHY DO YOU FIND YOURSELF STUCK IN RUMINATION? IN A PRISON OF CAUTION, A NAGGING STATE OF HIGH ALERT, AS IF DANGER IS ALWAYS LURKING AROUND THE CORNER LOOKING TO ATTACK?
THIS IS NOT A POSTURE OF ABUNDANCE. ALTERNATIVELY, IT’S A POSTURE OF INSECURITY.
IT’S AN EMOTIONAL TRAUMA RESPONSE.
IT IS THE RESULT OF YOUR ENVIRONMENT... A LESS THAN IDEAL ENVIRONMENT. AND NOW, YOU ARE ON THE RUN, TRYING TO AVOID EVER HAVING TO EXPERIENCE THAT TRAUMA AGAIN.
BUT YOU AREN’T ALONE HERE: WHO ACTUALLY COMES FROM A PERFECT ENVIRONMENT?
TRAUMA IS THE HUMAN CONDITION. IT IS THE PLACE WHERE LOVE HAS BEEN DISPLACED BY FEAR. REPLACING THIS FEAR WITH LOVE IS THE EDEN WE SEARCH FOR.
SO HOW DO WE OVERCOME THIS TRAUMA? AND, WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SEEM MORE RESILIENT THAN OTHERS?
IT STARTS WITH AWARENESS: REALIZING THAT YOUR PAST ENVIRONMENT DOESN’T DEFINE YOU, REALIZING THAT YOU ARE NOT LIMITED TO THE WAY OTHER’S HAVE SEEMINGLY DEFINED YOU. (HOW THEY HAVE DEFINED YOU REFLECTS THEIR VIEW OF REALITY). YOU ARE NOT SUBJECT TO THEIR VIEW OF REALITY.
YOU GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU CRAFT THE BROKEN PIECES. YOU GET TO DEFINE YOU. WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU, WERE HURTING THEMSELVES, YOU ARE NO LONGER SUBJECT TO THE STORIES THEY TOLD YOU ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. THIS IS WHERE YOU START TO WRITE THE NARRATIVE FOR YOURSELF.
I SEE PERFECTIONISM AFFECT ME. I SEE IT AFFECT MY FRIENDS.
IT’S THE CRY DEEP WITHIN THAT SAYS, “IF I CAN BE SURE THEY SEE NOTHING ABOUT ME CRINGE-WORTHY, THEN I WILL BELONG. THEN, I AM ENOUGH.”
BUT, THAT’S EQUIVALENT TO EVERYONE PHOTOSHOPPING THEIR INSTAGRAM PHOTOS TO PERFECTION AND SECRETLY FEELING UGLY, AS IF THEY ARE THE ONLY ONE DOING IT.
ACTUALLY, EVERYONE IS DOING IT. AKA EVERYONE IS CRINGE-WORTHY... UNDER THE MASK! THE EXHAUSTING, UNINSPIRING MASK OF APPEARING PERFECT, PLAYING COOL, TOUGH, MYSTERIOUS. (ALL THE ARMOR WE ADAPT TO WEAR TO AVOID BEING SEEN FOR WHAT IS SOFT, UNDONE, AND REAL.)
PERFECTIONISM IS A SELF-PROTECTION MECHANISM.
IT KEEPS YOU ON THE CLIFF, STARING OUT INTO THE ABYSS OF LIFE’S POSSIBILITY, WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU JUMPED. BUT AFRAID OF HOW OUT OF CONTROL YOU WOULD FEEL IF YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE LEAP.
SO HOW DO WE MAKE THE POSSIBILITY OF FALLING LESS SCARY? THE RISK IS, AFTERALL, ALWAYS THERE.
YOUR LIFE IS A CANVAS OF LIMITLESS POSSIBILITY. PERFECTIONISM WILL HAVE YOU STARING AT THAT CANVAS EVERYDAY CONSIDERING WHAT COULD GO ON IT, YOU WILL IMAGINE MANY, MANY THINGS. BUT ACTUALLY TOUCHING IT WITH THE BRUSH?
“I COULD... WELL NO. MAYBE... NO.”
SO I ASK YOU THIS: HOW CAN YOU DISCOVER WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO CREATE WITH YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO... DO A LITTLE BIT OF MESSY EXPLORING? HOW CAN YOU BE SURE OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE IF YOU DON’T DO SOME REAL QUESTIONING AND SIT IN THE UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR OF YOUR OWN COGNITIVE DISSONANCE? YOU WILL CERTAINLY THANK YOURSELF LATER.
THE PROCESS OF THIS EXPLORATION IS HOW WE EXPAND OUR HORIZONS, AND BETTER CONNECT WITH OTHERS THROUGH EVERYTHING WE DO AND CREATE WITH OUR LIVES.
1. IDENTIFY WHY YOU’RE A PERFECTIONIST.
FIRST THINGS FIRST, CONSIDER WHY YOU MIGHT BE A PERFECTIONIST. WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
MAYBE YOU’VE LIVED AROUND A LOT OF CRITICISM, AND NOW HAVE ADOPTED THAT CRITICISM AS YOUR OWN. MAYBE YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED DIFFICULT CONSEQUENCES TO DECISIONS YOU HAVE MADE.
HOWEVER IT HAS MANIFESTED IN YOUR LIFE, ONE THING RINGS TRUE: SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY YOU STARTED TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR VALUE WASN’T INTRINSIC, RATHER, IT WAS SOMETHING YOU MUST EARN, BY PRODUCING RESULTS IN YOUR LIFE THAT OTHERS DEEM “WORTHY”... SOUND FAMILAR?
WHAT LIFE EXPERIENCES HAVE TAUGHT YOU THAT YOU MUST PERFORM IN ORDER TO BELONG?
PERSONAL EXAMPLE:
AFTER I WROTE MY FIRST DRAFT OF THIS ARTICLE, I SHARED IT WITH MY HUSBAND, HE NOTED THAT HE DIDN’T LIKE HOW SCIENTIFIC AND DRY IT SOUNDED. HE SAID, “WHERE IS YOUR VOICE IN THIS?” I IRONICALLY SUGGESTED, MAYBE I WAS BEING PERFECTIONISTIC: TRYING TO KEEP MY OPINIONS OUT OF IT, IN FEAR THAT PEOPLE DON’T WANT MY OPINIONS BASED ON MY LIMITED-LIFE EXPERIENCE. NO, PEOPLE WANT FACTS, INTELLECT, RESEARCH. THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE MY WRITING WORTH READING, RIGHT? AND, HIS RESPONSE WAS: “YOU STRIPPED IT OF IT’S PERSONALITY TO MAKE IT PERFECTIONISTIC.”
OUR INSECURITIES CAN CAUSE US TO GET IT ALL BACKWARDS. MY CREDIBILITY ISN’T DEPENDENT ON ME BEING FLAWLESS, ROBOTIC, AND REITTERATING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING. IT’S DEPENDENT ON ME BEING ME, LETTING THE TRUTH OF WHO I AM AND MY LIFE EXPERIENCE SATURATE THE WAY I TELL WHAT I HAVE DISCOVERED ABOUT THE TOPIC. THAT’S CREDIBILITY.
MY HUSBAND IS A VERY OPINIONATED MAN. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR IT, BECAUSE HE HAS GREAT TASTE, AND IT MAKES ME BETTER.
THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD HERE IS THAT PEOPLE WHO SHARE STRONG OPINIONS ON WHAT IS GOOD AND BAD, RIGHT AND WRONG, CAN START TO BECOME OUR OWN INNER CRITIC THAT ASKS: “IS THIS GOOD?” “DID I DO THIS RIGHT?” THAT’S WHEN I START QUESTIONING MY OWN JUDGEMENT AND INTUITION, AND START TO LOOK OUTSIDE OF MYSELF FOR VALIDATION. BECAUSE WHAT IF I THINK MY WRITING IS GREAT, BUT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS IT’S TERRIBLE? DOES THAT MAKE ME LESS?
WHEN YOU SEE WHERE YOUR PERFECTIONISM IS COMING FROM, YOU CAN BEGIN TO SEE THAT IT’S NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU. AND IT’S NOT THERE BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IS DEPENDENT ON WHAT YOU DO. NO, IT’S THERE BECAUSE SOMEONE CAUSED YOU TO BELIEVE THAT. FROM THERE, YOU CAN BEGIN TO STEP OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF AND SEE YOURSELF WITH MORE LOVE, A NATURAL COURAGE BOOSTER.
2. ACKNOWLEDGE THE WORST CASE SCENARIOS.
ONCE YOU’VE DISCOVERED WHERE YOUR PERFECTIONISM IS COMING FROM, CONSIDER THE WORST CASE SCENARIO. WHAT IS IT YOU FEAR SO MUCH AFTER-ALL? HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL? WHAT ARE THE REPERCUSSIONS? WHO IS TRULY IMPACTED?
THE BEST WAY TO BE EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR CRITICAL PEOPLE, IS TO EXPECT THEM.
THE BEST WAY TO RECOVER WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU’VE MADE A WRONG TURN, IS TO SEE HOW IT’S PLAYING A PART IN HELPING YOU FIND THE RIGHT TURNS. EVERY EXPERIENCE ENHANCES YOU.
I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE...
YOUR IDEAS WILL CHANGE.
YOUR STRATEGIES WILL CHANGE.
YOUR BELIEFS WILL CHANGE.
YOUR STYLE WILL CHANGE.
AND.. YOU WILL BE WRONG. SOMETIMES.
OR, MANY TIMES.
AND THAT’S A GOOD THING. IF YOU AREN’T CHANGING, YOU’RE NOT GROWING. IF YOU’RE NEVER WRONG, YOU’RE NOT EVER TAKING NECESSARY RISKS TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW AND DISCOVER WHAT YOU’RE MADE OF. AFTERALL- THAT’S THE EXCITING PART, ISN’T IT?
3. IDENTIFY THE REAL FEAR.
NOW THAT YOU’VE IDENTIFIED THE FEAR THAT HAS HELD YOU IN YOUR PERFECTIONISM, LET’S TALK ABOUT A MORE COMPELLING FEAR. A FEAR THAT WILL MAKE YOU JUMP OUT AND TAKE A CHANCE.
THAT FEAR IS REGRET.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE FEAR THAT KEEPS YOU PARALYZED AND THE FEAR THAT WILL MAKE YOU MOVE IS SHORT TERM PAIN FOR LONGTERM GAIN. (UNLESS YOU PREFER SHORT TERM GAIN FOR LONGTERM PAIN)
“HARD CHOICES, EASY LIFE. EASY CHOICES, HARD LIFE” - JERZY GREGOREK
IF YOU’RE LOOKING AT YOUR LIFE THROUGH A CLOSE-UP MACRO LENS, PLAYING IT SAFE TO PRESERVE A SENSE OF “PERFECTION” MIGHT FEEL LIKE THE LESS REGRETFUL OPTION RIGHT NOW. BUT, IF YOU ZOOM OUT, 10, 20, 30 YEARS, YOU’RE STILL STANDING THERE WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF... EXCEPT NOW YOU’VE SUBTRACTED 10, 20, 30 YEARS FROM THE EQUATION. IT WILL MATTER LESS TO YOU THEN IF YOU MADE A MISTAKE OR IF SOMEONE FOUND YOU CRINGEY TODAY. IT WILL MATTER MORE IF YOU CHOSE TO TRUST YOURSELF. AND, YOU BEGAN TO PUT A STROKE OF PAINT ON YOUR CANVAS.
WHAT IS ACTUALLY SCARY? NEVER PUTTING A STROKE OF PAINT ON YOUR CANVAS.
IT IS HAVING BIG ELUSIVE DREAMS, AND NEVER BREAKING THEM DOWN INTO SMALL TANGIBLE GOALS AND HABITS YOU CAN PRACTICE EVERYDAY. (AFTERALL, THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN HERE AND THE ELUSIVE THERE.)
SOMETIMES THIS MEANS LETTING GO, TRYING SOMETHING NEW, AND RISKING BEING BAD AT SOMETHING.
SO, ZOOM OUT YOUR LENS WITH ME. YOUR LIFE IS BIGGER THAN THIS MOMENT. AND YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU.
DO YOU NEED TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN A NEW WAY? OR DO YOU NEED TO STEP AWAY FROM THE LIMELIGHT AND GO HIDE, SO YOU CAN GET SOME REAL FOUNDATIONAL WORK DONE?
YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO SERVE YOUR FUTURE SELF.
4. FUTURE YOU (AND CHILDHOOD YOU) IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
NOW THAT WE’VE TALKED ABOUT FEAR. BECAUSE PERFECTIONISTS KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT FEAR. WELL, LET’S FLIP THE SCRIP:. THE OPPOSITE OF FEAR IS LOVE. AND THE ULTIMATE FORM OF LOVING YOU (AND EVERYONE ELSE) IS LOVING YOUR FUTURE AND PAST SELF.
IF ANYONE’S OPINION IN YOUR LIFE OUGHT TO MATTER, IT’S DEFINITELY THOSE TWO. WHY? BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU. THEY REALLY KNOW YOUR DREAMS, YOUR VALUES, AND YOUR CONVICTIONS. AND, LET’S NOT FORGET TO POINT OUT THAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOU.
SO, WHEN YOU FEEL THE INSECURITY CREEP IN (BECAUSE IT DEFINITELY WILL), THINK OF YOUR 80 YEAR-OLD SELF SITTING ON THE PORCH REFLECTING BACK ON YOUR LIFE.
THINK OF YOUR INNOCENT, EXPRESSIVE, EIGHT-YOUR-OLD SELF, FULL OF DREAMS .
WHAT ACTION COULD YOU TAKE IN YOUR LIFE TO PUT STARS IN THEIR EYES? WHAT DO YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER RIGHT NOW?
YOUR FUTURE AND PAST SELF DON’T NEED YOU TO BE PERFECT, THEY DO NEED YOU TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE.
LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY ARE WORTH YOU STEPPING INTO THE UNKNOWN.
5. PLAY. (WHEN YOU ARE HAVING FUN, YOU ARE CAPTIVATING).
WHEN YOU REFLECT ON MAKING CHOICES FOR THE LITTLE VERSION OF YOU THAT NEEDS YOUR LOVE. CONSIDER THE LIMITLESS IMAGINATION YOU FELT AS A CHILD. “PLAYING” IS WHAT YOU DID.
YOU WEREN’T THINKING ABOUT BEING PRODUCTIVE. YOU WERE ENGAGED IN EXPRESSING YOURSELF AND HAVING FUN DOING IT.
THAT CHILD THAT DOESN’T JUDGE OR OVERANALYZE LIVES INSIDE OF YOU. AND THEY ARE BRILLIANT.
BEING ABLE TO LET LOOSE AND PLAY COMES FROM A POSTURE OF ABUNDANCE AND GRATITUDE.
ISN’T IT FUN WATCHING OR WORKING WITH SOMEONE WHO CLEARLY IS ENJOYING THEM SELF?
IT IS ABSOLUTELY MAGNETIC.
THE MOST COMPELLING MARKETING, INFLUENCERS, IDEAS, ETC ARE CREATED BY SOMEONE WHO HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE THE JOB FUN IN A WAY THAT IS AUTHENTIC TO THEIR PERSONALITY.
AND- IF YOU CAN ENJOY WHAT YOU ARE DOING, YOU WILL GET GOOD.
I MEAN, CONSIDER A CHILD’S DRAWING: USUALLY IT DOESN’T APPEAR THAT THEY WERE AIMING FOR PERFECTION. RATHER, EXPRESSING THEMSELVES AND EXPLORING THE MEDIUMS THEY WERE GIVEN TO PLAY WITH.
AT FIRST THEIR EFFORTS APPEAR TO BE SILLY SCRIBBLES, BUT OVER TIME, THEIR SCRIBBLES MORPH INTO DRAWINGS, AND THEN INTO VALUABLE MASTERPIECES.
THE MORE THEY TRY, THE MORE REFINED THEY SEEM TO GET.
AND WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN? IT BEGAN WITH PLAY. A DESIRE TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES AND DO IT IN A WAY THAT BRINGS THEM JOY.
SO, WHAT CAN RETURNING TO THAT INNER CHILD DO FOR YOUR CREATIVITY? OPERATING FROM PLAY IS THE BEST STRATEGY TO OVERCOME PERFECTIONISM AND CREATE BRILLIANT BUSINESSES AND WORKS OF ART IN THIS WORLD.
FINAL THOUGHTS... COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF YOUR SUCCESS
COMPARING THE WAY YOU DO SOMETHING TO THE WAY OTHERS DO IT WILL TRIGGER YOUR PERFECTIONISM. YOU’RE COMPARING THE OUTCOMES, AS IF THEY ARE COMPARABLE. THEY AREN’T.
YOUR PURPOSE IS TOO BIG, IT CAN NOT BE MEASURED NEXT TO SOMEONE ELSE’S.
IT CANNOT BE DEFINED WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF HOW MANY FOLLOWERS, LIKES, FRIENDS, CONNECTIONS, INFLUENCE, AFFLUENCE, ETC IT APPEARS THAT YOU HAVE.
BUT IF YOU LET THOSE THINGS DEFINE YOU, THEY WILL LIMIT YOU.
IF YOU BOW DOWN TO THOSE THINGS, THEY WILL HAVE POWER OVER YOU. THEY WILL CAUSE YOU TO BE ABSORBED IN YOURSELF AND NOT IN THE AUTHENTIC WORK YOU KNOW YOU ARE MADE TO BRING INTO THIS WORLD.
YOUR WORK IS NOT PERSONAL. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. LET LOOSE. DON’T OVERTHINK IT. BE TRUTHFUL, HAVE FUN. SEE WHERE IT LEADS YOU. I BET YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF IN A WONDERFUL PLACE, FULL OF LOVELY SURPRISES.
